R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
