WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Someone shattered a urinal.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
