My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
