woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
In other news, I just burned my penis
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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