My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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