A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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