I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
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The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
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Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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