Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
foreskin is a definite game changer
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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