I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
