We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
