the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
