Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
