if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
