I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
