Me. At least after what I've been through.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
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Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
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I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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