my phone needs a breathalizer
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
