No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
