There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
