tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
