you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
