Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
