he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The feeling are messing with the penis
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
