i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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