It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
