Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
