I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
