Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
