Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
