So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
