You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize