So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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