Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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