I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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