There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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