I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
