Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
