you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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