That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
