My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
