so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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