he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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