I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
