I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
