why didn't you poke me back
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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