Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
