Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
