that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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