Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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