All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This is the high leading the old right now
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
