My first STD was from a foam party
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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