John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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