I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
