are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
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Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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