Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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