i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
