I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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