She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize